Thursday, October 16, 2014

W/here do I begin?

How do you begin to tell the story of yourself without sounding like a douche? 

Monday, August 25, 2014

I Miss Mom

When I was a kid, I thought my Mom was wrong about everything. Now I know that she was smarter than I ever gave her credit for being.
My Mom. I miss her.

I remember one time when I had just washed my hair. I left my hair wrapped in a towel and was walking around the house like I was a beauty queen. My Mom told me I should take the towel off my head because my hair would dry all frizzy and messed up. I did not believe her because I had seen women on TV with their hair wrapped in towels and when they took them off, their was hair was not only frizz free, it was glamourous. I expected no less from the towel that I had wrapped around my own head.

Well, I allowed my hair to dry towel wrapped. And, of course, my mother was right. My hair was a wreck. I quickly rewashed my hair so I wouldn't have to admit to my Mom that she was right. Mom noticed my wet hair and didn't say a thing. She just grinned.

There were many other times when she was right. Like the time she told me I could stand on the bank outside our rural home and yell for my Dad all I wanted—he wasn't coming home. Not for a while anyway. And he didn't come home for a long time. I didn't understand why he didn't want to be with us. But Mom was right. He wasn't coming home.

I'm not sure what my future holds right now, but I wish Mom was here to help me. Things are going wrong and breaking apart. I didn't think it would be this way when I was as old as I am and after I'd already been though as much as I have. When is it enough? 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

My Life Right Now

The best question I've been asked lately: But what if we can't do it? To which I say: But what if we can?



Monday, July 21, 2014

Ready to Retire

I was doing really well with the whole "tearing-myself-down-to-build-myself-up" thing until I had my feet knocked out from under me. I had a really weird health thing related to my eye, and I'm having to deal with someone who's really controlling but doesn't think they are really controlling.

The eye thing was kind of scary for a little bit. I still have some trouble with the vision in my right eye. I was experiencing a vitreous detachment. Mine was a little more scary because it was pulling on the retina.

This is from NIH: “Most of the eye's interior is filled with vitreous, a gel-like substance that helps the eye maintain a round shape. There are millions of fine fibers intertwined within the vitreous that are attached to the surface of the retina, the eye's light-sensitive tissue. As we age, the vitreous slowly shrinks, and these fine fibers pull on the retinal surface. Usually the fibers break, allowing the vitreous to separate and shrink from the retina. This is a vitreous detachment.

“Although a vitreous detachment does not threaten sight, once in a while some of the vitreous fibers pull so hard on the retina that they create a macular hole to or lead to a retinal detachment. Both of these conditions are sight-threatening and should be treated immediately.

“If left untreated, a macular hole or detached retina can lead to permanent vision loss in the affected eye. Those who experience a sudden increase in floaters or an increase in flashes of light in peripheral vision should have an eye care professional examine their eyes as soon as possible.”

The doctor took care of it. However, I'm left with a floater that is bugging the hell out of me. 

Now for the person who is controlling but doesn't think she is. She is so nervous and full of anxiety, the emotions she's putting out are making me so nervous I can't think straight. She want to control everything, but doesn't know enough about what she's doing to really lead things. 

We were on a trip recently and she wanted to drive. I can't ride in a car with her because she talks with her hands and won't hold onto the steering wheel—meaning you have this giant piece of metal hurling down the road with no one in control of it. So I drove. It made her crazy that she wasn't in control of the car. She started having anxiety attacks and pounding her chest with her hand. I asked her if she wanted me to pull over if she having a heart attack. She said, "No. My anxiety just comes out in strange ways." No kidding. This went on for the three days while we were on travel. I'm going insane myself now. She won't let me have a say in my own idea either. But I won't go into great detail. I'm just ready to retire.

Please God. Let me retire.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Minute By Minute By Minute By Minute

Do you have to deconstruct yourself to build yourself up?

I think the answer is yes. You can't remodel a house without ripping out a few things that just aren't working anymore so you can rebuild it and make it new.

That's what I'm doing with my life. For a long time, I sat around wishing my life would get better. Now I'm making it get better--doing all the remodeling myself. It's tough and really, really, really scary. But I'm doing it one step and one day at a time.